You Have Got To Be Kidding Me
by Anora-the-Dreamer
Summary: Everyone is sick of Inara and Mal pretending to hate each other, so Jayne comes up with a plan. Run for your lives Inara and Mal! RUN!MI till Death! rated PG for cursing
1. The Plan

**You Have Got To Be Kidding Me**

**Chapter one: The Plan**

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Firefly, it wouldn't have gotten on air in the first place.

The crew and passengers alike were going about their normal activities when a loud, feminine shriek tore through the air. Almost automatically everyone looked at River, but the teen was quietly counting tiles.

"I cannot believe you!" bellowed the feminine voice.

"Ow! Sorry!" said another voice, much more masculine.

"GET OUT!"

"Ah, okay! Quit throwing things at me!"

"You pervert!"

"Cool it! How was I supposed to know that you were changing?"

"That is why you knock!" said the feminine voice, careful annunciating each syllable as though speaking to small child.

"I never knock, it's my gorram shuttle!"

Everyone sighed. Yet another fight.

"Do they ever get tired?" asked Kaylee, speaking to no one in particular.

"Nope," replied Zoë evenly.

"It is so gorram obvious," said Kaylee,"Yet all they ever do is fight."

"It's not your shuttle! I rent it!" Inara's voice was accompanied by glass shattering.

"Wonder if Mal saw anything good," commented Jayne, not in the least bit paying attention.

"Ow! Gorram whore! That one hit my eye!"

"Maybe I should go up there," said Simon, he stopped to pick up his red medic's bag before leaving.

"Do NOT call me a whore!"

"Fine!"  
There was a blessed silence that lasted about three minutes.

"What were you doing in my shuttle in the first place?" Inara's voice had a dangerous edge to it.

"I was going to tell you we were landing soon."  
"And you just HAPPENED to walk in on me changing!" Her temper was back.

"What do you think I spied on you?" Mal's voice was a roar.

"I wouldn't put it past you!"

"Not like I saw anything!"

Jane chuckled and muttered, "Yeah, I bet." Everyone else was listening quietly.

"Did you call me ugly?" Inara said, getting angrier by the second.

"No!"

"So you called me pretty? That's even worse!"  
"NO!"

"Which one is it?"  
Fortunately, Simon interrupted at this point, muttered "erm...", and squirmed under the almost-couple's murderous glare. He built up courage and said," Captain, you might want to get that bandaged."

"This?" said Mal indicating a bloody gash on his arm that still had a small piece of ornamental vase stuck on it, "Just a scratch."  
"Still, I'd feel a lot better..." started Simon.

"Alright, doc," said Mall, and exited, glaring at Inara the whole time.

_**After Dinner**_

"We should really do something about those two," said Kaylee.

"Maybe," said Zoë, "but what?"

"I have an idea," said Jayne.

Everyone groaned simultaneously.

"No, really," he persisted.

"Okay, Jayne," said Zoë grudgingly, "what's your idea?"

"Well," he started, "what if we forced them to be near one another?"

"They would kill each other," said Zoë, "Next idea."

""Or," said Jayne.

"The survivor would kill us," said Zoë sarcastically.

"That might actually work," said Kaylee, cheerful as always.

"Maybe," said Simon.

"This is the captain we're talking about," said Zoë in disbelief, "we're supposed to follow his orders!"

"Has he told us not to?" said Jayne reasonably.

"Okay," said Wash, "where do we put them?"

"The shuttle," said Jayne instantly, "that way they won't get in our way."

"We," said Wash, "can do it in a day or two. We're staying on this next planet for one week."

Everyone except Zoë nodded.

"We'll have to give them food," pointed out Kaylee.

"Well, 'Nara lets you in her shuttle, right Kaylee?" said Jayne.

"Yeah," said Kaylee, "but I'm not very sneaky."

"She lets me in the shuttle too," said River. Everyone turned to stare at her; no one realized she had been paying attention.

"Okay," said Wash, "can you sneak some protein bars and water in there?"

River nodded.

"So we are going to lock our leader in a shuttle we THINK he likes," said Zoë, slowly beginning to grasp that they were actually going to go thought with this.

"That about sums it up," said Wash.

Zoë sighed, "Let's do it."

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	2. Added a little too much

**You Have Got To Be Kidding Me**

**Chapter Two: Added A Little Too Much**

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Firefly it wouldn't have gotten to air in the first place.

WoW! Nine reviews! Nine! Thank you soooooooo much kudos to all of you!

vtangelchix:thank you! This chapter kinda sucks though.

MikeJoe: Thank you, I think. What do you mean by"boot to the head"?

Piper: Kay, and thank you. I'll get around to the Mi fluff, I'm not too good at writing it but I'll try.

GreyWind: Thank you for reviewing!

Lightningbug: Thank you so much! Once again, I swear the next chapter will be better.

jahzara: Funny? Thanks! Improbable? Definitely. I don't think the crew of Serenity is THAT stupid, with the possible exception of Jayne, who makes up for his lack of intelligence by being entertaining.

Karanina: Thank you vair vair much.

Faith5X5: Me too! I am definitely a Mal and Inara fan but THE SHOW DIDN'T GO ON LONG ENOUGH FOR THEM TO GET TOGETHER! How very aggravating is that? Ah, well. We can cross our fingers for the movie which I'm pretty sure is coming out in June. Thank you for the review.

Tell: Kay. I actually read through this one, but grammar isn't my strong suit. Thank you so very much for reviewing.

Dinner was a very subdued affair. They were following Jayne's plan, and they had made a pretty big mistake. Huge, actually.

"Why are all of you so quiet?" said Mal, and stared at all of them. All of them stared back unperturbed, except for Zoë and Wash. "Is Zoë pregnant?"

"NO"

"Kaylee?"

"No!"

Mal paused for a minute then said very carefully, "River?"

"A baby doesn't live with-in her, but all around her," said River staring at her food.

"I'll take that as a no," Mal paused then slowly paled,"Inara?"

Inara blushed furiously, but shook her head.

"Then what in the name of baboon's arse cracks is going on?"

They all yelled "Nothing!" a little too quickly.

Mal sighed, then slowly choked down the protein bar as the crew watched him take every bite, feeling worse and worse after each one. Only Inara and Mal had touched their food.

This time Inara tried. "Did River try to cook again? If she did, she's improved dramatically. I can't tell the difference"

River merely giggled and said, "Secret" before she was silenced by the murderous glares of the others.

Simon was inwardly pounding himself on the head. The rest of them would have to eat the food, if only he hadn't been so clumsy. He sighed again. That morning, long before Mal even considered waking up and while Inara had been having some tea in her shuttle they had ironed out the details. They would lace Mal's and Inara's food with some sedatives. Very simple, easy and if there was an emergency the effects could easily be counteracted. He had smuggled the small vial into where Kaylee had been making dinner, but she hadn't had the chance to separate out portions for Mal and Inara yet. He had gotten up close to her so he could hand her the bottle, when he tripped on his shoelaces and he fell and the bottle went flying right into...the protein bars of course. They had gotten as many as they could away, but there was no telling. They didn't know who was going out cold, who was staying awake, and it was not doing too well. Having been scheduled to arrive on a planet in a day or two they were down to their last as far as food supplies went. They just didn't have enough to throw out the drugged batch and get a new one. Everyone stared at their plates.

"Why am I the only one eating?" said Mal suspiciously, and with good reason too, "what, is the food poisoned?"

Way too close for anyone's comfort. Everyone started eating their food very quickly, except River who was now staring at the ceiling and muttering, "It hurts to stay up like that. With the black always pushing it, one day if will just give in and then where will we be?" and Kaylee who took off muttering some pathetic excuse about the engines needing to be checked on.

Mal and Inara exchanged looks. Something was definitely going on and they seemed to be the only ones who hadn't the slightest idea what. He had half a mind to demand he know what was going on and order everyone to stay put until he was told, but he knew that wouldn't go over too well. He knew the extent of his authority.

Suddenly his table mates began dropping like flies, all hitting the floor. Mal tried to get up and call to Kaylee; she hadn't eaten any of it and should be able to help, until he too fell to the ground, but not without first bellowing, "Son of a bitch!"

Kaylee returned to the kitchen shortly after she heard the thumps to find only River conscious, and she was still talking to the ceiling. It could have been a lot worse. She too could have passed out and they would have a lot of explaining to do if Captain woke up before they were all coherent and moved h him.

"River," said Kaylee softly, though the likelihood of any of them waking up even if the engine was exploded was fairly low, "Honey, I need help."

River looked down and nodded, and they hauled Inara up into her shuttle making her comfortable on her bed.

Next was Mal. Good Lord, he weighed more than Jayne. They hauled him up to the shuttle and dumped him on the bed as well. Grinning, Kaylee arranged it so that his arms wrapped around Inara. Yep, they would have A LOT of explaining to do, once he was awake anyway.

Sorry for shortness and suckiness of chapter. Next one'll be better, I promise.


	3. Pervert!

**You Have Got To Be Kidding Me**

**Chapter Three**

**Pervert!**

**To The Reviewers:**

**K: **Many thanks.

**Xanya-Forever: **I know! There is not NEARLY enough M/I fluff around. There are a few good ones, let me think...A Kiss Is Still A Kiss and several others whose titles escape me at the moment.

**ErishkigalGirl: **Yep. I spent six weeks of allowance on it too. Thank you!

**EclipseKlutz: **In all likelihood. Thank you vair vair much!

**starcrab: **Thanks. Funny is pretty much what I'm trying at.

**Faith5X5: **Now THAT is upsetting. Can't the damn Nicole Kidman and Star Wars movie wait? Ah, well. As long as I see it EVENTUALLY.

Mal half-way woke up, and instinctively tried to climb down from his bunk. Thing was, he couldn't move. Something smelled really good, though. Hmmm. What was that smell? His eyes flickered open and there was something black and hairy in his face. Huh? Was this another one of Jayne's jokes? April 1 already?

What was that gorram smell? It really was nice, all fruity and such. His legs twitched and he tried to move again. No such luck. He looked down; view made unclear by whatever the hell was sticking in his face. There was some brightly colored cloth, and it was covering someone shaped mysteriously similarly to a female.

Oh, now this was an interesting development. Who the hell could this be? River and Kaylee had brown hair, and the day Zoë wore a dress was the day Mal became chief advisor to the Alliance. That left Inara.

'Oh, shit' he thought to himself. He could probably explain this if he could just remember whatever the hell had happened and if he could move. He changed his mind. This wasn't interesting, it was sadistic.

Inara's eyelids fluttered and Mal tried to stop moving. She was just was confused as Mal. Why couldn't she move? And what was a week's supply of protein bars doing in her shuttle. And, the million dollar question, what were these strange arms wrapped around her waist? They hadn't been on a planet in weeks, so there was no way this was a client. Process of elimination. She looked at the arms and question, they had plain gray sleeves. Simon always wore those silk shirts, Wash always had those Hawaiian shirts, and Shepard always had his black robe. That left... Shit!

What the hell was he doing? She didn't REALLY think he was that much of a pervert, and she knew for a fact he wasn't that moronic. She tried to ease away from him; perhaps she could get away and haul him back to his room. Then she could avoid this whole incredibly humiliating and degrading situation.

'Think!' she ordered herself, she was a registered Companion, trained at the Academy, surely she had learned how to deal with this. Well, there was no denying this was comfortable. 'Bad!' she bellowed at herself, 'You will not be thinking those thoughts, especially not at a time like this!' Then again, as long as she couldn't move she might as well enjoy it while it lasted.

They continued to lie there, at least for a time.

"Are they awake yet?" asked Kaylee excitedly.

"Nah, if they were at least one of them would be yellin," said Zoë mildly, emotions concealed behind brown (A/N-?) eyes.

"They lie, not asleep, not awake, moving yet still," said River, ears pressed up against the door.

"That made a lot of sense," said Jayne sarcastically, "I agree with Zo on this one, 'Nara would be yellin 'er head off."

"Maybe," said Kaylee, grinning wickedly.

"We'll just have to wait until they wake up," said Simon practically.

"No," said Jayne, "We got a job to do and I reckon Zoe has to head it with the Cap...busy."

A/N- fun! fun!Review!


	4. The REAL Fun Begins

**You Have Got To Be Kidding Me**

**Chapter Four: The REAL Fun Begins  
Xanya-Forever: **Thank you for the review. Sorry, though, this chapter is really short.  
**Butterflydragon: **Thank you. Yeah, complicated is a gross understatement.  
**Erishkigalgir**l: Thank you for reviewing.  
**LK**: Haven't really decided yet.  
**Piper**: Thanks. I finally update this, even though this chapter is short. Sorry about that. I hate when that happens, but I really did post the chapter.

Well, here goes:

'Well, what are my options here?' thought Inara grimly as she attempted to assess the situation with a cool and even head, in a way which was becoming to her companion training.

If she was going to be honest with herself (not likely), falling in love with someone who was undesirable as a client and something beyond that as a husband was hardly fitting behavior. Well, neither was taking up with a smuggling ship, actively assisting in a crime and so on.

Not that she WAS in love with Mal or anything. She most certainly was not; she viewed him as a business partner and occasional friend.

Who was she kidding, anyway? She'd been in love with him within weeks of their meeting. She wasn't even doing a very good job of hiding it.

Back to where she was originally, her options. Now, she could:  
A. Chuck him out the airlock and pretend this never happened.

Alas, murder wouldn't look too good on her Guild record.

B. Lay here for the rest of her life.

She'd have to eat eventually.

C. Scream her head off.

What would that accomplish?

D. Pull away and find a nice hole to live in for the rest of her life.

Such holes were rare in the middle of outer space.

E. Pull away, pretend it never happened, avoid Mal as long as humanly possible and retain a tiny shred of her dignity intact.

While E was doubtless the most appealing option at that moment, Inara was unaware of two things:

1. She was, in fact being held captive in her own shuttle with the person she really preferred not thinking about most of the time, much less spending time either. Not that she didn't enjoy the company (unless he was behaving a certain way.) Not that she didn't enjoy the company, either, Not that she ever thought about _him _at all. DAMN THIS!

2. The authoress is far too evil/ mentally unstable/ bored to allow her to get off that easily.

So, when Inara rolled off the bed and headed towards the door with all due speed, what she expected was to open the door, hunt down the miserable beings that had put her in such a confusing situation and make them pay. What she did not expect was to bruise her wrist trying to open the firmly sealed door then run right into it out of pure clumsiness.

Nor did she expect for someone to swear when she ran into the door and inquire, oddly enough, "Ya a'right?"

"Yes," her voice came out, as clear and even as she could make it. And so she was brought face-to-face (well, not quite, but he was looking at her and was fully awake) with the subject of her recent pondering, And so she turned beet red as she realized that he too must have been awake for ten or more minutes and hadn't moved.

This brought up another question, one much more interesting than previous inquiries, but much, much more terrifying. It was not the first time she had asked herself such a question, and she doubted there would ever truly be a last time.

_Does he love me too?_

There was no question as to who _he_ was, not that Inara was over denying it.

The answer was quite obvious to the majority of us, but it being her relationship she wasn't nearly so sure.

The Companion was violently snapped out of her ponderings as Mal tried the door unsuccessfully and said, sounding slightly irritated, "So we're trapped?"

Inara only nodded.

A/N- Yeah, I think Inara probably knows but you know how people get.


End file.
